top of page

I have been struggling.


I’ve been struggling.

.

I’ve been struggling with my mentality. And I've been struggling with my body, specifically how it looks and how it feels.

.

I say the mantras and the positive affirmations in the morning as I meditate and get ready for my day. You know the ones?! About how I will treat others and myself with kindness. Like, “today I appreciate, honor and respect my body and listen for its wisdom. With each breath I remember that my body is a miracle. I satisfy my mind and body with healthy food and movement. I strengthen and stretch my body with movement. I make sure to get relaxation and sleep so my body may restore and regenerate itself. I appreciate, honor and respect my body and listen for its wisdom.” Blah blah blah. I mean, I do believe in treating others with kindness. And I do think that treating yourself is important. Very important. But it can be really hard sometimes.

.

All I ever want to do is see and acknowledge the good in so many others. So why can’t I do the same for myself? Why is it so hard to be kind to myself all the time?

.

Unfortunately, lately I’ve been noticing my imperfections. And it makes me feel defeated.

.

And I don’t know if it’s because mom hood duties are tougher these days, or because my stress level is elevated. I don’t know if it’s from lack of sleep or I’m running myself thin lately. I also don’t know if it’s my depression that I am constantly battling. But I have been much tougher on myself lately. And I know that being hard on myself isn’t going to make anything better. So I feel defeated.

.

Defeated because I know I am more than just my body. Defeated because I know I have gone through serious health issues these past few years. Defeated because I don’t see others for their imperfections. And I know my relationships are not based on any superficiality. Defeated because I know others don’t stare at my imperfections like I do. They see me as so much more. I am surrounded by the BEST women and am so thankful for them every single day.

.

I had one of the best Mother’s Days this year because of messages, gifts, and cards from the ones I cherish most. Their thoughtfulness and kindness were off the charts! I was moved to tears all throughout the day because of the kindness and generosity that was expressed to me by everyone.

.

And I distinctly remember telling myself on Mother’s Day, “See? What they see in you isn’t your size or the weight you’ve gained or how uncomfortable you feel. They see YOU and who you work to be every single day.”

.

Then the moment passed, and I was back to self bashing.

.

And from the bashing, came anger. It pisses me off. That I can be SO MEAN to myself on such a recurring basis. Especially when I feel I am doing the best I can do for myself. I am exercising 5-6x/week. I go for walks at least 3 times per week. I am eating foods that give me energy and make me feel good. I practice mindful and intuitive eating. I am active with my toddler. I do meditation and daily devotionals every morning. So I feel like I am doing so many things right and positive for myself. So why is it I can only fixate on my negatives?

.

I accomplish so much every day. All us moms do. So, why can’t I stay focused on all the good I do? Why can’t I see all the effort and energy I put into the positive things in my life?

.

For instance, the other day, I got a chance to have a break in the day (while my daughter napped), and what did I decide to do? Check out Victoria’s Secret’s website. I think you know where this is going. I went on the website because I have two coupons that need to be used before the end of the month and I honestly need some new underwear. But I ended up getting distracted by the pictures. And I noticed that Victoria’s Secret has started using some real women as their models, which is awesome!!! But then I continue looking and notice that they still are using rail thin supermodels for the majority of their pictures. Especially for their bathing suits. And I think about how I have never and will never look like these women. And then I think about how uncomfortable I’m feeling in my body.

.

Even though I am PMSing, and that always brings about feelings of discomfort, it doesn’t matter. And I know the thyroid medication and antidepressants can cause weight gain. But none of that matters. My mean thoughts can’t justify it. All I could do was fixate on the “skinny” models.

.

Why are these super skinny women the ones who are considered the “supermodels models”? Because of society’s unhealthy and unrealistic standards for most? Although I see a shift (slowly) happening, there is still a very long way to go. Not only in myself, but also in society.

.

My goal every day is to make my daughter feel validated. I dread the day she feels anything less than adequate. So, I make sure that she knows how proud I am of her for specific things. And when I compliment her, I say that she is beautiful on the outside, and follow that up with the fact that she’s beautiful on the inside and that’s more important.

.

Selfishly, I love when my daughter’s hair is out of her face. She has porcelain skin and the cutest little button nose. So I love when her hair is pulled back and you can see all of her wonderful features. But I don’t ever force her to do her hair because I don’t want her to feel that her value comes from her looks. If I comment on her body, it’s to point out the positives that everything does for her. For example, you have your cute little toesies on your big feet to support your long legs and your strong body.

.

In complimenting her different body parts so specifically, I also work on doing the same for myself. And I am also extremely careful not to bash myself out loud and especially in front of her. I don’t want to “model” the self bashing.

.

But with all I’m working on to try to help my daughter feel confident and happy with herself every day, it also shows me I have ongoing internal work to do.

.

For all the good I do for myself and my body, the fact that I can still bash myself to the level I have been lately is disgusting.

.

This isn’t easy to talk about now, but I want any woman out there feeling a similar way to know, you are not alone. In addition, you are more than your weight and more than your looks. The ones who love you most in life see you for you. If, just *IF*, your loved ones notice the weight gain, they won’t judge you for it.

.

It's crazy how we can fixate on something so trivial. When especially as moms, we do so much and we are so much.

.

I guess the only place to end this today is by saying, we are works in progress. Some of us more than others. And in these times of not feeling enough, rely on your hood of moms. Those women who not only understand you, but are always there to support you, encourage you and build you up. I am so fortunate to have those women and it helps me to refocus on what is most important. And that is not what I look like, but who they see me as - as a woman, a friend, and a mom.

.

So today, I shift my focus. I think about how lucky and blessed I am. I will continue to pursue a life of faith, love, perseverance and gentleness (1 Timothy 11) with others and myself. And I go back to the messages, cards, and gifts from those that I hold so close to my heart, and am reminded of what it is they truly see...ME!



21 views1 comment
bottom of page